Trying to find the name

This past Sunday, I informed the congregation that I may have multiple myeloma. So this week, I went to see the cancer doctor, and he assured me that I don't have cancer until he sees cancer in a definitive test result. So I am now going to have more tests, and this time, they will be targeted to find specific markers. As I listened to the doctor, I thought how about how much our fears guide our decisions. Julie and I are not afraid of what is ahead of us. We want to know what to expect. I found myself preaching to myself, Tom, you are not in control. God is in control. Trust God. How many times have I seen God clear a path in front of me? How many times have I felt His presence beside me? How many times has He protected me? How many times has He provided unexpectedly? Since God has been faithful up to this point, don't question His faithfulness at this point. When I tuned back into what the doctor was saying (there were many things I did not understand), all of a sudden, it didn't matter. There was no urgency because I am God's favorite child, and He is holding my hand. Bring it on.

MY PRAYER

Have you ever taken the time to figure out what your greatest request is? It is not unusual for me to have a whole laundry list of things that I come to God with when I pray. Like dirty laundry, I want God to clean up the mess, but only in a way that agrees with my desires. I am so selfish, and I imagine you are selfish also. When I was young, I loved looking at the Sears and Roebuck Christmas catalog. I could find something on every page that I wanted. If my parents had ever asked me to pick out just the one thing I wanted, it would have taken me hours to figure out the irreducible minimum. I could go to God with a long list of things I want Him to fix in my present situation. I want him to take the pain away from my back, from my ribs, take the sensation of pins sticking me in the night away and take away those sleepless nights when you just can’t get comfortable. I want to be able to walk fast and run, I want to stand up without pain, and I wish not to be tired all the time. When I look at my list of requests, and I narrow it down to the irreducible minimum, that request says, “I want to be faithful through this journey.” Pain is just the now, but faith is for eternity. I want others to see that you can trust God when things are difficult and inconvenient.

Humbled

In my life, I have always tried to take care of myself. If I could do a job, I would do it. If it needed to be lifted, I would try and do it. If something needed to be done for the group, I would figure out how to take care of it. Like most Texans, I thought my stubbornness was an attribute, not a weakness. The truth of the matter is that my stubbornness was just selfishness in a macho set of clothes. Recently I have had to humble myself and ask for help. Monday, my macho self showed up, and I ended up straining my back. If you have ever had somebody put a knife in your back and turn it wildly, you understand the pain. So, Tuesday, I asked Melinda to carry my bag to the car because I could not. Wednesday, I asked Donita to help me take off my coat since I could not do it myself. Finally, Julie went to the store and bought me a cane to get up and down and walk with less pain. I am learning that God has surrounded me (and you) with all of the help we need to live the life He wants us to live. A life that glorifies Him and depends on His provisions. Humility is seldom anyone's first choice, but in the upside-down nature of the Kingdom of God, it is the best choice. P.S. on November 16th, I hope to give everyone a definite name for the illness.